Her Journal
by amehanaa
Summary: Even if I can't see you, I will always be looking your way. — Character death.


**Hi everyone~**

**I read this really amazing manga named Koizora and that's where I got my idea for this fanfic. I put stars around a quote because I took it from the manga. It's not mine, it is from the perfect mangaka, Mika-san.**

**Notice: When the text is in between quotation marks and is italicized that's one of the journal entries. It's easy to figure out, but just wanted to let everyone know.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fairy Tail and I would cry everyday and night if I did.**

**If you really want to be sad, put the Clannad/Angel Beats/Anohana soundtrack on, it'll add more of an effect. Probably not, I don't know what I'm saying. Anyway, review and tell me what you thought about it! o/**

* * *

My love's death was quick. She was fighting with all her might, there was a fire cracking _pop_, and where she had just been before was replaced by a mere set of celestial keys falling to the ground.

There was no corpse to look at. No blood. Just gold and silver keys.

It was strange. One second there she was, the next second she had left to some place nobody would ever be able to reach her.

Not even magic has the capability of reaching her.

All I did was blankly stare into the air when I realized what happened. Time slowed down as I watched the keys fall to the ground; they sparkled as the sun reflected on them. They landed on the ground with a brass thud.

My whole body seemed numb and I was on my knees forgetting how to breathe. I couldn't move. My mouth wouldn't open. All I could do was stare in horror and deny everything. The corners of my eyes fuzzed up into a blurry black. I was supposed to be reacting, but my body remained stiff.

I picked up Erza and Gray making screeching noises, but it sounded like I was underwater and they were in the air speaking to me. The only thing I could hear clearly was my racing heartbeat.

They say when you're about to die, your whole life speeds before your eyes in a matter of 7 seconds. Did Lucy get to experience that? I wonder what the last thing she thought of was. I hope it was something happy.

Everything after that is hazy. When I look back at it now, the only thing I see are pictures. It's like an old film rolling, each scene being one simple image. One picture is Lucy smiling at me, her eyes gleaming. The next picture is Erza hugging Lucy's keys on the ground. The last picture is total darkness.

I constantly think of all the things I could have done to prevent Lucy's death. I continually accuse myself for everything that happened that Thursday afternoon. Lucy's passing won't vanish from my mind. I replay the image of her keys dipping to the ground every second I'm conscious. It torments me.

The guild assures me that it wasn't my fault, there was nothing I could have done. I don't believe them. How could I possibly believe that when I had two perfectly working legs to carry myself over there and haul my body in front of her?

I am the one who should have died.

* * *

Everything around me is dull. Anything that is bright takes the form of a sluggish gray shade. I'm aimlessly living. There is no meaning to anything.

I want to see Lucy one more time. I want to feel how her thin fingers always fit perfectly in between my calloused hands. I want to feel how she ran her hand through my hair. I want to massage the little bump on her finger she always received after she'd finished writing one of her chapters for her story. I want to feel the happiness that Lucy delivered to me when she laughed. I want to feel her skin touching mine while we're falling asleep. I want to feel her lips against mine. Without Lucy, I do not feel.

I dwell in my apartment all day while Happy begs me to leave my room to get fresh air. Why should I go outside when the person I love most won't be there waiting for me? I am waiting for her. Forever waiting for the person I need most to return to my grasp.

I lay in bed every night reliving all the moments I had with Lucy. There are countless happy memories, as well as sad ones, but I think it's alright. The memories that involve Lucy, whether good ones or not, I will cherish them for as long as my heart beats.

Sometimes I ask questions while I'm looking up at my ceiling.

The one I most often ask is, "Are you happy right now?"

I'm not sure if the questions are directed towards Lucy, but to whomever I am speaking to, I hope they are very happy.

* * *

Today is Lucy's funeral.

Mirajane forced me to change my attire to a gray suit. A snow white shirt paired with an ordinary black tie. I wear gray slacks and glistening black loafers. I don't think it suits me but it's for Lucy.

_Do you think it looks okay, Luce?_

Before the funeral had started, I went to the flower shop and bought a bouquet of crimson roses. Lucy admires roses.

"Where is that blonde girlfriend of yours, Natsu?" The manager of the flower shop asked me.

"If only I knew," I answered more to myself.

I slowly trot towards the cemetery. I pleaded Happy to leave me alone just for the day, I need to be detached from everybody today.

The sun sits in the middle of the sky and for some reason, it looks lively. The pale fluffy clouds surrounding the sun and drifting away from it, it seems as if the sky was anticipating something. Not only that, but it looks like there was a large thin paintbrush and the artists of the sky drew little white lines as smoke trails. It seems like another universe is floating right on top of us but nobody is noticing.

I chuckle. As if the sky can portray any of that.

People have already arrived and are huddled in a circle around Lucy's gravestone. I stand in the back, too much of a coward to look at the grave. I accidentally peek at it and I notice something. Her gravestone is located right beside her mother's and father's. It's a bittersweet sight to look at.

I nod my head at my guildmates as a greeting, my throat feels too dry to speak. My mouth is as dry as sandpaper and my breaths keep getting shorter and shorter as the eulogist speaks affectionately about Lucy and all of her accomplishments. I was there whenever Lucy had earned them, my chest twinges with pain.

"In our memories and in our hearts love lasts forever," the eulogist says monotonously. "Lucy Heartfilia will forever be in our hearts and will never be forgotten."

I hear Levy and Juvia whimper behind me. I look straight ahead at the eulogist and don't take my eyes off of him for a second.

Even though I'm staring at the eulogist, I can't make myself tune in. My mind keeps drifting off and reminiscing about Lucy. I remember the way her hair shined as bright as the sun when we were hiking. The way she looked whenever she was cold and had to crawl inside of Horologium. The way she looked whenever I rewarded her with yogurt, her favorite food. The way her eyes looked at me warmly when I kissed her forehead goodnight. I would give anything just to see those expressions again.

I notice everyone shuffling into a single file line in front of her grave. I walk to the end of the line, I want to be the last person to speak to her.

It doesn't take long for me to be the last one standing at the cemetery. I read what is written on the gravestone hesitantly.

_"LUCY HEARTFILIA X767 - X785" _

Just reading the words makes me have to swallow four times. I grip the end of the bouquet aware my knuckles are turning a ghostly white.

"Hey there," I say to the stone. "Stunning weather we're having, don't you think? It's perfect to go on a job. Oh, I got you these," I squat down and gently lay the bouquet of flowers. I decide to keep squatting, so I'm facing Lucy at eye-level.

"Nothing has changed much since you've been gone, even though it's only been 7 days. Levy has been depressed since you've left, same with the rest of the guild. But that was to be expected. Want to hear something funny? When I entered the guild the two days ago I had the most random urge to yell, 'Lucy! Let's go on a job!' Isn't that funny?" I laugh dryly.

"I'm going to try my best to live on. I'm going to live just for you. It'll be lots of fun! And don't worry, nobody is ever going to replace you on our team. It's going to be you, Erza, Gray, and I forever. Nobody will ever replace you, I promise," I subconsciously stick my pinky finger out at her. It's shaking.

I stare at the finger I just lifted up. I can't hold it in anymore. I drop my head into my palpitating hands.

"I miss you so much. Why did you leave me?"

I feel my face getting wet and my lip uncontrollably quivers. Non-obeying tears escape my eyes and drip to the ground.

"Wherever you are, I hope you're happy," I stand back up, ignoring my tears. I shove my hands in my pockets and examine the sky.

"*Bright blue skies mean you're happy. Rain means you're laughing and crying tears of joy. Sunset means you're blushing. And night means you're sleeping soundly, having sweet dreams*," I say while watching the clouds slowly travel across the sky.

I put my head back down and stare at Lucy's gravestone. It's time for me to say goodbye, what I dread most. I take a deep breath.

"I love you, Lucy Heartfilia. I love you with my entire being. You are my light. You are my only love. You have my heart. When we meet again, I will surely fall in love with you all over again. Goodbye, Luce."

I make sure the wind isn't going to blow away the roses and I take one last look at Lucy's grave. The sound of rustling leaves fill my ears.  
I try not to stare too long, because I know I won't be able to leave.

I whirl away on my heels. I stroll towards my new life, my loafers clicking against the concrete. In this life, I am going to be stronger. I am going to shield everyone. I am not going to suffer. I am going to live my life with all the happiness I can have. Without Lucy.

* * *

At the guild I try to avoid any type of conversation that involves Lucy. It's been a month and her death feels like it was yesterday. I still refuse to believe that she's died, it tortures me if I think otherwise.

I sip Lucy's favorite drink and I unintentionally overhear someone speaking about Lucy. I've developed a reflex, which is to not pay attention, but I stop this reflex just this time.

"Lucy Heartfilia's apartment is finally going to be cleaned out tomorrow? About time."

I inhale deeply. I haven't gone to Lucy's apartment since she departed. I haven't gotten the courage or the strength to make myself walk or even briefly look towards the direction. My body tenses up when I think about her apartment. I'm such a coward.

Then I realize.

_Her stuff is still there. Her clothes, books, everything._

Without any hesitation, I sprint to Lucy's apartment. I'm not thinking; my legs are on autopilot. I'm there in three minutes, the midday sun shines down on me and I feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead.

I hastily wipe the sweat off and eye the apartment building carefully. I attempt to think as I try to control my breathing from the sudden running.

Do I really want to see Lucy's belongings? Do I really want to feel the ache of losing the person I love all over again? All the sheer pain I experienced? All over again? Do I really want to? Do I?

I need to. Without this, I won't be able to move on. Whatever I meet will, hopefully, grant me some type of peace.

I lightly knock on the apartment complex door and step in. The short landlady that disturbs me stands at the main desk. She has the expression of expectancy, I have a feeling it's for me.

I do not even utter a word. The landlady grunts as she tosses a single key at me. I catch it with ease and study the item. It doesn't take me long; this is Lucy's room key.

"Thank you so much," I thank her with all the gratitude I have ever thanked someone with.

I head to her room, my heart beating rapidly. I ask myself again. Do I absolutely want to put myself through all the agony once again?

I mentally punch myself. I must get rid of these absurd questions.

I reach her room and pause. What am I going to see? Is it going to be filled with dust? Cleaned spotless? What will it smell like? Thousands of questions run through my head as I slowly enter the key and unlock the door. The doorknob is cold as ice.

The door creaks loudly as I open it. The smell of Lucy's strawberry perfume instantly wafts into my nose. My chest physically aches. Nostalgia pulses through me as I step further into the room. Her wooden floor groans with each footstep I take.

All the memories of me barging into Lucy's room as she's about to shower return. The times that we had dinner together. The times we slept together. The times we were doing absolutely nothing but enjoying each others presence flash before my eyes.

I blink a few times and I'm met with the bitter reality again. The room is being illuminated by the sun, her curtains creating dancing shadows across the floor. The room gives off a stuck in time aura.

It feels like Lucy was in this room just this morning, waking up with her bed head she always earns. Lucy never makes her bed in the morning, she thinks it's too much of a bother. I glance at her bed; it's made.

I scan her room not letting my eyes settle on her desk. I need to see that part last because I know it will give me the most trouble.

Each cabinet is filled with food in the kitchen. All the food is presumably expired already, but I don't want to find out. I see Lucy grinning at me when I look at the stove. She's making my favorite meal. I blink fast this time. No Lucy in sight.

In the bathroom, Lucy's scent is everywhere. Strawberries.

Once, Lucy sprayed so much of her perfume on me, I smelled of strawberries for a week and two days. I'm slightly glad I don't smell like that anymore because each time I smell strawberries, I'm reminded of her.

On Lucy's dresser, her drawers are somewhat opened, I close them shut for her.

The apartment is brimming with reminders of Lucy.

I take a peek at her desk and breathe in fast. I exhale just as slow as I walk to the desk. Usually, it's cluttered with papers that she forbade me to read. All of it is 'top secret except for Levy.' I'm curious to read it, even now, but I won't read it until it's finished. I promised her.

I lean down closer to the wooden desk, which doesn't have one paper laying on it. I question why there isn't anything on it, but it's better that there aren't papers. It would tempt me into reading it. I notice how in the center of the desk it's a more darker color than the outside. Lucy always writes with as much pressure her hand can manage. On the top of the desk where a little platform sits lay five stacks of books. Each stack has 3 books. Each book has a little bookmark in various sections. I genuinely laugh for the first time since Lucy passed.

_How can that woman read so much?_

I slide out her chair to open the wide rectangular cabinet that's connected to the bottom of her desk. I smoothly pull it out, letting the cabinet roll on the little plastic rollers that allows the cabinet to move.

Yellow pencils and black pens lay everywhere. Most of the pencils aren't sharp and the erasers are rubbed raw. I wonder how many jewels the pencils cost. Not only are there writing utensils, there are crumpled up papers. I only allow my fingers to swiftly skim over them.

I begin to gently close the cabinet and it gets caught in between one of the rollers. I inhale a short breath, trying not to panic so I don't damage the desk. I push the cabinet with a bit more force and it shuts. I twist around and face her room, trying to figure out what else there is for me to have the privilege to see. The room is dead silent. The silence is broken my a heavy _plop._

I pivot around to face the desk. I slide out her chair again and go on my knees to look under the desk. My sense of hearing informs me that's where the noise came from. There is a worn out book with tape laying on the floor.

I hesitantly glide it towards me and sit down on the floor leaning against Lucy's bed with the book in my hands. I gently peel off the tape on the corners of the journal and notice the dust that's attached itself on it. I hit it a few times, dust floating around me. I survey it and I realize it is not a book, but a journal. It's a hardcover journal, being a faded red. It's a few levels behind from being dilapidated. It has a ribbon connected to it which is used as a bookmark. I tilt the journal to the side and see it marked in the middle of the journal. I carefully open the journal to the first page not knowing what to expect.

The first page reads:

_"LUCY HEARTFILIA'S JOURNAL. ONLY MADE FOR THE EYES OF LUCY AND MAYBE LEVY!_

_If Natsu, Gray, or Erza, ANYBODY, is reading this, please stop here! If I wanted you guys to read this, I would just tell you!"_

I can't stop myself. I slowly and deliberately turn to the next page.

_"I've decided I want to make a journal about my life. Ever since I joined the guild, my life has been so exciting and eventful._

_Maybe I'll turn my life into a story? Let's hope this journal works out."_

Next page.

_"Natsu and I went on a job today to this mansion with a really creepy guy. He had this really fat maid working for him._

_She's actually really skinny, quite the masochist too, and a celestial spirit! How weird is that?_

_Natsu was really cool though, he always knows how to look cool."_

Flip.

_"Natsu introduced me to a guy named Gray and a girl named Erza. I can feel their magic radiating, I know they're strong._

_It scares me a little. I hope they like me... __I hope Natsu likes me, too. _

_I don't want to be a bother to them."_

You were never a bother, Lucy.

Flip.

_"My dad tried kidnapping me. It was super scary, I felt like I was done for. But Natsu saved me so it was okay._

_When he saved me, he held me up piggy back style. It made my heart pound for some reason._

_If I told Natsu that, he would most likely call me a weirdo again and go back to calling me Luigi._

_I was probably just tired, anyway."_

Flip.

_"Natsu helped me agai-"_

I keep flipping the pages, leafing through them with trembling fingers. My name is written several times on each page. The aching in my chest reappears. I turn to a page that is longer than the others.

_"Natsu told me he loved me today. I felt like I was dreaming, I've always wanted him to tell me that._

_All the scenarios I always played through my head finally came true! It's a miracle in my eyes._

_We always play around saying we're going to get married but now I'm sure our dreams will come true._

_I'm actually very anxious for the future. I feel as if Natsu will become so powerful some day and he'll leave me._

_A world without Natsu would be like an empty book. I would fade into nihility._

_When Mama was in the hospital I told her I loved her so much and because of that she shouldn't leave._

_She looked at me in the eyes and solely said, '__Love means letting go knowing you'll be together once again.'_

_I hope she's right. If Natsu ever leaves my side unexpectedly, I will say that to myself._

_I love him so much, I feel like my heart is going to burst."_

I can't stop my hands from shaking. I tighten my grip on the journal but it rattles even more. I take long deep breaths to try to remain relaxed. I skip all the pages and stop at the last journal entry, where the bookmark is placed.

_"I'm writing this in the middle of the night. Team Natsu and I are going on a job tomorrow._

_I don't know why, but I have a weird feeling about it. It might just be me, but I sense an evil lurking around._

_I won't tell Natsu though, I'll only end up making him worry._

_If something bad happens to me I hope Natsu knows how much I love him. He better not mope around if I die._

_Natsu is much stronger than that and will be okay with my death. He'll live on, I'm sure of it!_

_I'm scaring myself now. Why am I even saying this? Natsu and I will grow old together, there's no way either of us can die._

_My eyes are heavy now. I'll come back after the job. Goodnight, journal!"_

I lightly shut the book and stare down at the brown wood floor. My body is numb, my mind is blank.

Raising myself from the floor, I pull apart the curtains to examine the sky. The sun is gradually slipping down.

I find a new roll of tape so I'm able to replace the old one. I return her journal back to its original home. I make sure the journal is secure with tape. Nobody will be able to find it, or so I'm hoping.

I know for sure that there is nothing more for me to see in this apartment. I feel something bubbling up inside me. I try to detect the emotion and I understand. It is a mild version of content. Each second my dreary outlook on life diminishes.

As I'm walking towards the door, I spot a glimpse of my reflection on Lucy's mirror. I let my eyes pierce into my own. I pull my cheeks up, watching myself form a smile. This is the face Lucy wants to see.

I return to the guild in silence, collecting my thoughts. Reading her journal ignited a flame in me; it made me fall in love with Lucy once again. My love for Lucy won't ever lessen, only grow.

As I enter the guild, I go straight to Levy.

"I think she wanted to give you this," I hand her a stack of papers.

Levy studies the papers. She looks up at me with immediate tears streaming down her face.

"Thank you so much, I will treasure this forever," She hugs Lucy's story and nods her thanks to me while walking away.

None of the guild members take any interest in me, as I them, so I decide to leave for the day. I feel good for some reason, giving those papers to Levy. I feel as if this warmth inside my heart isn't entirely by me, it is also Lucy fusing her emotions with mine. Communication works in all sorts of ways.

I wander around Magnolia. I focus on the wind darting through my hair. I pay no attention to anything else.

I walk past all the areas Lucy and I went on dates together. I walk past everything. Everything that passes by me is transported into my mind and locked into a little closet. There is only one person who can open this closet, she has all the keys to unlock it.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I won't waste this precious life. I am living not only for myself but for Lucy. I don't know anything at the moment except 6 simple words.

_"Knowing you'll be together once again."_


End file.
